9.17.12 The Waiting Game

I hate this. I hate waiting. This time around seems much harder. Maybe because I know what to expect from Chemo, Rads, Surgery. I also know the elation of benign. Exuberance. But I remember also, it never, it NEVER is what it seems. It never is what we think it is. But I guess life is that way. We DON'T know what tomorrow brings. Sunshine? Clouds? Smiles? Laughs? Tears? What I do know, what I can decide is that Today, TODAY, I'm going to handle today the best way I know how. Sometimes that means crying. Sometimes that means laughing. Sometimes that means waiting. I have decided that I am going to live all that I can. I am going to continue homeschooling and weekly Bible Study. I am going to continue nightly prayers with my husband. I will NOT give in. I will not turn to drugs, alcohol, or something to "take my mind" permanently away from the situation. I will live THROUGH the situation, even if that means sitting through it. I remember as a child my mom had this time every evening called "quiet time". She sat us lined up on the couch. No talking, no TV, no bothering each other. She sat on the chair at the end of the couch. My dad sat in the other chair, reading the newspaper. The radio played KJNP. We sat and listened. On the coffee table in front of us there sat a clock. "When the long hand reaches the nine, you can get up." We had been fed, bathed and in our jammies. Oh, and no sleeping. It usually was 15-20 minutes. Fidgeting would always start, but after the clock getting started over, it didn't last long. Sleep would settle. By the time it was time for us to get up, we'd head straight for bed. :) Ah mom. Here I am. Sitting in bed, waiting. But I am waiting patiently. I am not drinking away the time or downing pills or cursing away my life. I am simply sitting and waiting. And that's okay. I miss you mom. I know though, I know that through all of this sitting and waiting, it does not compare to the GLORY I will one day see. Thank you mom, thank you for teaching me "Quiet Time" and "The Waiting Game".

9.9.12 Sunday before...

I think, I think, there will always be a "Sunday before". Sunday before your wedding, the birth of your child. Sunday before you choose to get on the treadmill. Sunday before Lent. Sunday before. Sunday before mammograms and ultrasounds. Sunday before biopsy. (BEE-op-see, think My Big Fat Greek Wedding, read previous blogs...) Sunday before. I found another lump. I apologize for not saying something earlier. I wanted to share with my family, and that was hard. I am scared for them and what they have to go through. My kids, Bill, but especially my sisters, dad and brother. I know it was hard last time around. But if there was anything I learned about last time around, it was that whatever you THINK is going to happen, that's not the way it happens. It's either much worst, much easier or just NOT at all what you were thinking. How do I feel about all of this? I'm sick of one breast. I'm sick of the prosthesis. I am sick of thinking about this. Mostly I am angry. Angry at having to do this again. Not angry at God or the doctors or myself. Angry at the lump angry at cancer. Just mad. I find myself swearing every once in awhile in my head. Usually it's when I've done something I enjoy or am proud of. I swear cause I feel like everything was just getting to normal. I have found new interests and things that make me feel...ALIVE. I will not be angry at God. It is what it is. I am who I am. Who knows, I have yet to even get the results back. I have yet to even GET the biopsy. I fly to Anchorage tomorrow with my sister Candy. Ultra sound and mammogram and meet with doctor Tuesday. Biopsy Tuesday. Keep me in your prayers all. Love you, love me, love you, love me...

9.7.12 Many a projects

THE HUNGER GAMES! (Olivia and I are HUGE fans!)

Liz making stamps for school

Tonight on facebook I posted some of the many projects I am working on. I have even more swimming in my brain! God is good to give me the ability to do so many things. I mean physically I am able to do so much. My mom used to talk about being able to see and how we shouldn't take advantage of that, but to use it to the best of our abilities! I feel so blessed. I am reading a book Olivia and I have taken in common. Another book I borrowed from my aunty this summer. A bible Study with a friend of mine, another book for a book club I'm starting on facebook. I have the supplies for a centerpiece (CUPCAKES!). I started croceting, but have NO idea how it's going to turn out! I'm homeschooling Lelly (I've taken to calling her Liz lately), which btw is going great. I am loving spending time with her and planning the next day/ week out. I started a chicken tractor (it's about 25% done...). Okay I'll stop there. I feel like I'm bragging. Don't mean too! I just feel like I have all of this energy and I am able to do THIS so I want to! It's life people, it's living LIFE and not letting anything stop you! I love each of you, I want you to know this. I love each of you dearly! LOVE YOU, LOVE ME, love you, love me!

9.5.12 My talents, my gifts

Bunny, patiently waiting for the words to form...

So today, today, today. Started out as one of those regular ole days of being a mom. Laundry, housekeeping, dinner, chauffeuring, I thought to myself, "WOW, I got this down! THIS is my calling." Then the hormone raging teenager showed up. My super mom attitude went crashing to the ground and slithered out the door. I again thought about my talents...my gifts, what on EARTH am I here for??? My first thought? (After a wife/ mother/ sister?) This blog. I am a friend. I share. I write. I let those in on my secrets. Not secrets of success, so much as just secrets. I am a friend. Remember in Jr. High, that friend you had? You shared everything with? Or you just simply wanted to hear about or hang out with? Maybe. Maybe that is my calling. Maybe this is my calling. To share. If so, here (hear!) goes...

Tonight I cried. My heart broken, several times. My teenager, my friends. I cry and let that part out. How can someone we give life to, then love, nurture, take so delicately care of... spew words of anger and hatred at us? How can they do that? How, why did I ever do that to my mom????? I cry for how much I love these kids and how much I wish I could call my mom and tell her I'm sorry for being 16 and causing worry and all of those things I may have ever said to hurt her. I think of her and I miss her and if I had her here, I could tell her my secrets and my joys and my trials. So then I head to a place I know I can share my secrets and my joys and my trials, only to be closed out. The door closed, no one there. I cry for that. And as I'm laying in a heap worn from the day and the teenager and the friends who aren't able to be there, I remember this place. I remember this writing. See, these words aren't just words for the world wide web, they are words from my heart to my FATHER in Heaven. I write to all of you and God reads them and blesses me through you. I am worn from the day, worn down from the secrets hiding deep within my heart. So I release them... Yes, "Momma said there would be days like this." But haven't I also heard, "Joy, in the morning.." Love you, love me, love you, love me.

9.1.12 ROAD TRIP~ Picking Potatoes

Looking into Rica's Chicken coop!

Ah, I have a beautiful WONDERFUL friend, Lauren, who has re-introduced me to a love I have, taking care of my family. Gathering food! We took a road trip today to Delta Junction, Alaska. It's about a 1-1/2 hour drive away. A small farming community, throughout the summer and into the fall you can find all kinds of veggies for VERY reasonable prices! Right outside of Delta is a tourist kinda place called Rica's Roadhouse. I had never been there, so this was my first time there. It's a small historical place that demonstrated how life was like for a roadhouse for a woman who took in miners during the mining days in Alaska. There was a small house, barn, chicken coop, another small house and then the touristy places (gift shop, sandwich shop). It was free to get in and walk around which the kids seem to really enjoy. I especially enjoyed looking at the garden and chicken coop. Looking into the tiny houses filled with time period pieces was also interesting. I found a box in the barn that I have in Minto, VERY COOL! Now onto the potatoes. Lauren had told me about  the potato picking and it was something I had been looking forward to for a very long time. We met up with the farmer and he pointed us in the direction to go. He asked if we would like for him to dig the potatoes up for us, but we polity declined. And we dug, and dug and tossed our potatoes into egg crates and then into burlap sacks. We picked and picked and 700+ pounds later we headed home. It was a great trip and how blessed I feel to have gotten to make this trip. I know that later this winter when we're eating potato soup or fried potatoes, I will count it a blessed to serve my family. God is good! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

8.20.12 Summer Re-cap

School. Tomorrow. WOW! The summer has flown by. Highlights???? Okay, don't mind if I do...
 Chickens, Chitna, Anchorage, Garden, Flowers, Re-plant, Re-plant again (green house blew over, I cried, but picked myself up and planted again...), Minto 1 week!, Cupcake Tuesdays, Baguettes, Dinners, Dates, Birthday Tea Party, BBQ's, Glam Party, Sleepovers, MORE sleepovers, Girl Scout camp drive down and back, FISHING!, reading, kids movie day with kids, birthday parties, weddings, movie release party, (kinda) bridal showers, laughing, dancing in the rain, BRAC 2 testing (genetics... NEGATIVE!!!) tears (a few), Minto fishing for Pike, harvesting, the fair, goat show, cotton candy, 1st place cupcakes, love...LIFE, LOVE. Love you, love me, love you, love me... (I forgot to mention HAIR, Ha!)

8.18.12 OFF...to Minto and beyond

Okay, not really beyond, just Minto, but still!!! Didn't leave until late, got to Minto late, which is the way I like it. Sneak in. Cozy up in our little house. Movie or book, quiet conversation. Cozy. One little room, not a whole lotta stuff to clutter the house. Just what we need if we want to stay a day, a night or a month (minus food). I love it. I mean I LOVE it! I have a night stand next to the bed that has a toothbrush, some books, a sewing kit and mascara. That's all I really need. That and my bible. That's all I need in my life in Minto, because my family is already there. Sometimes at home, in North Pole, my life feels so cluttered, not only with THINGS, but with going and doing and television. It truely is a break for me...Blessed I am to have Minto, and Bill, BJ, Olivia and Elizabeth to share it with. Oh, and Bunny and YOU! love you, love me, love you, love me!

8.12.12 Lessons from the Laundry Room

Here I sit amidst piles and piles of laundry! I mean mountains of this! Lately, I've been looking inward and outwardly at my actions and reactions to things to discover new things about myself. For example, I was looking at these piles of laundry, trying to figure out why this last week has been different. Normally I throw a load of laundry into the wash daily. This may seem like a lot to some, but let me remind you, I have 3 kids (one almost teenager daughter and one pre-schooler), a husband that wears nice clothing to work and has to come home to change to work around the house. So, why in the last week have I neglected to throw a load of laundry in the wash? It only takes a minute, a few minutes to hang up or fold? It could've been I had a busy week, thinking of school starting, the fair, spending some much needed time with my best friend, and we also had a house guest. Bill knows that my cleaning abilities are altered somewhat with house guests. I want to be the Mary (of the story of Martha and Mary). Mary sat at Jesus feet listening to him, paying very close attention to her house guests' every word. Martha stayed in the kitchen cooking, cleaning paying very close attention to the details of meal, the house the home. I neglect my housework for several reasons, the first being (now hang with me if you can), I heard a comment (or two) about housework when you have guests. I took these as negative comments (whether they were meant to be or not, doesn't matter). I then subconsciously told myself, don't do anything... I had fear. Fear of being rejected... see it's easier as humans as people to reject before being rejected. We think we need to be the ones to say good-bye first, to avoid being hurt. I needed to let go of laundry of housework to "seem" (to pretend) I was envolved, when all the while, I was avoiding. Avoiding laundry, avoiding visiting. I was pretending to be Mary to avoid the Martha duties. So is there a balance? Is there a balance between everything? For me there is. It's putting first what I am called to do, who I am called to be. Somedays I am called to be Mary, somedays Martha, and somedays both. God will give me the strength to do whatever it is I am to be doing. The laundry will get done, maybe not ALL of it today, but it will. I just have to make sure it's what I am suppose to be doing. For laundry means I am blessing my husband and my kids. Visiting means I am blessing others and MYSELF. Hey, and by the way if any of you want to come visit next week, please do! Love you, love me, love you, love me...

8.10.12 Donuts Wedding

So... Donuts..My sisters and I, have another sister, Donuts. Mindona. For as long as I can remember they have called her donuts. Today she married her best friend. I am so happy for her! As I sit at the wedding reception music playing, people dancing and laughing, I think of a bride and groom uniting in marriage. There will come a day when the Christian church believes that Christ will return for His bride. So before I lose some of you here...I have been thinking about me, WHO I AM. WHAT I AM DOING HERE. For most of you know I have been baking. My kitchen, my sanctuary. My kitchen-aid, the constant hum, is the prayers deep within me. The smells, incense floating above, raising my thoughts, prayers, hopes and dreams. I love my kitchen, I love creating and making wondrous food for my family and friends. I love to see the smiles on faces and the joy they receive from what I am creating with my hands. Before my diagnosis, I prayed, "God, bless my hands. Bless everything that I create. Let it come from you and give you glory." and it is. I know it is. So lately I doubt who I am. what I am doing. Is being a mother, a wife enough? Is it enough to be a best friend and sister? Is it enough to listen? YES. IT IS. Because it is when I listen, then I can pray. I want to be there for my friends and family. I want to be there and listen. I want to be home when my kids get out of school. I want my husband to share with me dreams, hopes and plans. But first I need to listen. So I tell all of you, I am here. Like a bridesmaid, bride, I am here, ready to listen, ready to be there for YOU. Love you, love me, love you, love me.

7.26.12 Aunty Rhonda

and shopping for Mindona's Bridal Shower!

Billy and my nephew playing a video game on a BEAUTIFUL SUMMER DAY! (Crazy kids...)

 I have to say, one of my favorite activities in the summer is having my nieces and nephews spend the night. See I'm the aunty that loves, LOVES to have kids around me. I love to love up on them, feed them, spoil them, let them stay up late and send them home. I've learned a lesson (learned a lot of lessons this last year) but anyhow, I realized, I don't like to tell kids "No" or "Stop" just for my sake of not wanting to clean up or cause how they look or I will look. They are kids. I want them to play to enjoy life, to have fun. This doesn't mean I let them run wild, but seriously, is one extra scoop of ice-cream TONIGHT going to send them reeling??? Well maybe, but I'm willing to let them reel for a minute. I WILL NOT be the aunty that buys you alcohol, lets you party or wear skirts too short. :) Burn the marshmallow on the campfire, run through the sprinkler, laugh out loud, tell me a story. Be a kid, enjoy life! LIFE! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

7.24.12 Life depends on..

Okay, getting deep. Start talking about life or love and you're getting deep. (or politics...) So today is Cupcake Tuesday, and I don't think I've shared this but these last couple of weeks have been a doozy for me. Struggling with depression. At my last appointment with my oncologist for my last chemo, he said the next couple of months will be the hardest yet. You won't have cancer or chemo. For the last year it's been part of you. (Now thinking, I guess it's kind of like a break up, and it sucks.) I know it may be hard for some people to understand, but I've had this THING. I can blog about it, be worried about it, cry about it, laugh about it and feel like it's just THERE. I hated it, I hated the chemo, the rads, the hospital, the being in bed but I had an excuse. I had bad hair days= chemo. I stayed in bed= chemo. I felt like crap (mentally/ physically)= chemo/ rads/ cancer. So for those who know my story BC (before cancer), the winter before I was diagnosed I had a rough winter. Mentally, physically, emotionally. The winter the darkness, it was all getting to me. I couldn't seem to feel happy or to feel like me... I visited a friend I shared and she told me, start thanking God for the little things. Your car, your kids, whatever. Little did I know, God was preparing me, for THIS. I will be honest here. I have been laying on the couch or in bed doing the bare minimum. Towards the end of the day I felt terrible. Like physically sick. Now this is/was all creeping up on me. I have continued to bake cupcakes on "Cupcake Tuesday", because it is something I love to do. I love to be in the kitchen. I love to bake! I also decided for the month of July I would fast from spending money. So now life... I have been letting my life depend on money I spent, cupcakes I bake. Life doesn't depend on your bank account or how many cupcakes you bake. It doesn't depend on how many miles you run, how often you fish, your addictions or weaknesses. It does not depend on how big your garden is or how much food is in your freezer. Life depends on YOU. What you will do today that will make you happy. So you bank account is empty, smile. You can't run a marathon today, smile. Your fishing pole (rod) broke, smile. You have an addiction or weakness, smile. Your garden (gulp) is withering, smile. Your freezer is low, smile. You ran out of cupcake liners...smile. You have life, you have, LIFE. No matter how crappy, trust me it's better than chemo...lol! TRUST ME! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

7.20.12 Grocery Day

Ah, grocery day. A day to wander the isles of Sam's Club and Fred Meyer leisurely  looking at food, thinking what can I make for 1 or 2. Ah, NO. More like rushing through Sam's Club trying to avoid going over budget and praying the 4 year old doesn't hit the "I-only-got-5-hours-of-sleep-and-need-a-nap". Ah, but it was nice. I spent the day with Lelly Poo and then the afternoon getting Olivia all ready for Girl Scout camp. I love my kids! So, this budget thing. I stayed under budget. I remember someone telling me one year for LENT they gave up shopping. This struck a cord with me the beginning of July, and I felt the need to try something like this. There is a scripture somewhere about the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing, so I'll only say, that God is good. He is able when I am not and He gently reminds me that it's okay and that I can depend on Him. Now, World Eskimo Indian Olympics, I did not go this year. In fact I don't think I can remember the last time I went. Growing up my mom rarely took myself and my siblings to outings like these. I know it's not because she didn't WANT to, but more because she was unable to. So it doesn't bother me not to go. What DOES bother me is when people ask why I don't go, or tell me "YOU HAVE to bring your kids around." Hm, let me tread lightly here. It's late and anyhow. I feel like I know how to raise my kids, I feel like my parents raised me just fine. Culture was never over pushed on us, we learned we are first Children of God, before any color or nationality. I am thankful for this. We also were taught they we don't need to "follow the crowd". or constantly be people, but that we can have our family and the ties that bind. We are VERY close, my sisters, brother, in-laws, and my mom's siblings. For this I am eternally grateful. This all being said, I know God calls us out of our comfort zone and I am working on it. I am. I am learning not to be self-reliant on what I think others think of me, and this means being open to more friendships. This is a good thing. Maybe God is wanting me to expand my territory, and I'm down. Just my thoughts and feelings here. Oh, still, love you, love me, love you, love me. Hey, thanks for reading!

7.14.12 Co-Dependancy

I knew when I started my posts about my diagnosis, I was going to face things, I didn't want to. I knew there would be times when I would be afraid to go through, all that I was going through, medically, emotionally, physically. What I didn't know was that everything in my life that I was obedient to God about was going to help me overcome the trials I would and will continue to face. I entered my first Al-Anon meeting 4 years ago next month. My life was unmanageable. I thought it was others. I thought the people around me were causing the chaos. I stopped to look and see that I had issues. I had things I needed to take care of in me. One of those issues was my co-dependency. This doesn't mean I thrived on others dependency. Or they NEEEDED ME. No, this was I NEEDED them, I NEEDED their problems so they could be my problems. So I could take the focus off of me and the help I needed. If I am busy fixing for others I can't fix myself. (I do this by the way with a lot of different things.) I would rather do my some chores rather than others. Avoidance if you will. So getting to now... My co-dependency took a back seat. I stopped being co-dependent on those closest to me and then I was diagnosed with cancer. I couldn't take care of anyone, except myself. I had to look at all the good in me. I had to focus on the good in me. I had to repeat the blessings to know where I had come from. Now, a few months out from underneath breast cancer, and I am re-building relationships that have been put on hold for the last year. I am reconnecting with others. It's been more difficult for me than I initially thought. I thought, get out there, have coffee, enjoy conversation. But there have been certain people I have let bully me in the last couple of months. I have let them determine my happiness, my joy, my anxiously around them. I don't want this for of co-dependency. The Bible says

Galatians 1:10 ESV / 26 helpful votes

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

I only want to please God first. To all of my friends, be patient with me, I will come around. I still love each and everyone of you.
Love you, love me, love you, love me!

4.28.12 Improptu Cookout

Tonight, a cookout! I have the best sisters ever! We can just have an impromptu cookout, and those are the best, why? because I can participate this year. Last summer, not to look back, but to be thankful this year. I felt so bad everytime we had a cookout and I couldn't really participate. Not that anyone wanted me to, but it's hard to sit back and watch. But letting that go and moving on. Thankful for today and thankful for cookouts! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

4.27.12 Bowling for Cancer

I would have never thought a year ago, I would be at a "American Cancer Society- Relay for Life, Bowling tournament. It was such a joy to watch Bill and my brother Eric bowl. They make me so proud. I didn't bowl this year, but betcha-by-golly, I'll be bowling next year! (I think I'll wear a bald wig) And I'M GOING TO RAISE THE MOST $! Blessed, blessed, blessed! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

A New time...4.26.12

And so begins my journey, a new journey of being cancer free... I will take with me, (when I can), Bunny...

Bunny coming home with me April 26, 2012

To introduce Bunny. He is my cancer survivor buddy. I decided when he was given to me, there are times and places I would like to take all of you, my friends, but I would be unable to. Bunny reminds me I'm not living alone. I am not thriving alone. Will Bunny be with me forever? No, I am thinking he may find another friend in need of him someday, but until that day, he is here helping me. Does this all sound silly? Just a smidge, since I'm not one for referring to myself in the third person, but whatever. I love Bunny. Back to how we met. A friend of mine (human, mind you) created Bunny. He lived on a beautiful chair in her dining room awaiting someone to take him on adventures, (although he didn't know this). It so happened one evening I was invited to Bunny's house and to dinner. As I got dressed that evening I found a striped sweater I love dearly. I wore it to dinner and lo and behold it was the same color Bunny was wearing! My friend explained that she MUST give Bunny to me. Ah, Bunny! But that night it was not meant to be! I forgot Bunny but within the hour texted my friend and told her to hold tight to Bunny that I would return. And I did, 3 weeks later, for my last chemo appointment. Bunny flew home with me. AND THIS IS WHERE MY CANCER FREE LIFE BEGINS... What will tomorrow hold? We don't know, and we can only guess where Rhonda and Bunny will go! We do know that friends, gifted from God are there in our hearts and in our minds. God Bless, love you, love me, love you, love me (and Bunny!)

Bunny flying home, Alaska Airlines...