7.26.12 Aunty Rhonda

and shopping for Mindona's Bridal Shower!

Billy and my nephew playing a video game on a BEAUTIFUL SUMMER DAY! (Crazy kids...)

 I have to say, one of my favorite activities in the summer is having my nieces and nephews spend the night. See I'm the aunty that loves, LOVES to have kids around me. I love to love up on them, feed them, spoil them, let them stay up late and send them home. I've learned a lesson (learned a lot of lessons this last year) but anyhow, I realized, I don't like to tell kids "No" or "Stop" just for my sake of not wanting to clean up or cause how they look or I will look. They are kids. I want them to play to enjoy life, to have fun. This doesn't mean I let them run wild, but seriously, is one extra scoop of ice-cream TONIGHT going to send them reeling??? Well maybe, but I'm willing to let them reel for a minute. I WILL NOT be the aunty that buys you alcohol, lets you party or wear skirts too short. :) Burn the marshmallow on the campfire, run through the sprinkler, laugh out loud, tell me a story. Be a kid, enjoy life! LIFE! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

7.24.12 Life depends on..

Okay, getting deep. Start talking about life or love and you're getting deep. (or politics...) So today is Cupcake Tuesday, and I don't think I've shared this but these last couple of weeks have been a doozy for me. Struggling with depression. At my last appointment with my oncologist for my last chemo, he said the next couple of months will be the hardest yet. You won't have cancer or chemo. For the last year it's been part of you. (Now thinking, I guess it's kind of like a break up, and it sucks.) I know it may be hard for some people to understand, but I've had this THING. I can blog about it, be worried about it, cry about it, laugh about it and feel like it's just THERE. I hated it, I hated the chemo, the rads, the hospital, the being in bed but I had an excuse. I had bad hair days= chemo. I stayed in bed= chemo. I felt like crap (mentally/ physically)= chemo/ rads/ cancer. So for those who know my story BC (before cancer), the winter before I was diagnosed I had a rough winter. Mentally, physically, emotionally. The winter the darkness, it was all getting to me. I couldn't seem to feel happy or to feel like me... I visited a friend I shared and she told me, start thanking God for the little things. Your car, your kids, whatever. Little did I know, God was preparing me, for THIS. I will be honest here. I have been laying on the couch or in bed doing the bare minimum. Towards the end of the day I felt terrible. Like physically sick. Now this is/was all creeping up on me. I have continued to bake cupcakes on "Cupcake Tuesday", because it is something I love to do. I love to be in the kitchen. I love to bake! I also decided for the month of July I would fast from spending money. So now life... I have been letting my life depend on money I spent, cupcakes I bake. Life doesn't depend on your bank account or how many cupcakes you bake. It doesn't depend on how many miles you run, how often you fish, your addictions or weaknesses. It does not depend on how big your garden is or how much food is in your freezer. Life depends on YOU. What you will do today that will make you happy. So you bank account is empty, smile. You can't run a marathon today, smile. Your fishing pole (rod) broke, smile. You have an addiction or weakness, smile. Your garden (gulp) is withering, smile. Your freezer is low, smile. You ran out of cupcake liners...smile. You have life, you have, LIFE. No matter how crappy, trust me it's better than chemo...lol! TRUST ME! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

7.20.12 Grocery Day

Ah, grocery day. A day to wander the isles of Sam's Club and Fred Meyer leisurely  looking at food, thinking what can I make for 1 or 2. Ah, NO. More like rushing through Sam's Club trying to avoid going over budget and praying the 4 year old doesn't hit the "I-only-got-5-hours-of-sleep-and-need-a-nap". Ah, but it was nice. I spent the day with Lelly Poo and then the afternoon getting Olivia all ready for Girl Scout camp. I love my kids! So, this budget thing. I stayed under budget. I remember someone telling me one year for LENT they gave up shopping. This struck a cord with me the beginning of July, and I felt the need to try something like this. There is a scripture somewhere about the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing, so I'll only say, that God is good. He is able when I am not and He gently reminds me that it's okay and that I can depend on Him. Now, World Eskimo Indian Olympics, I did not go this year. In fact I don't think I can remember the last time I went. Growing up my mom rarely took myself and my siblings to outings like these. I know it's not because she didn't WANT to, but more because she was unable to. So it doesn't bother me not to go. What DOES bother me is when people ask why I don't go, or tell me "YOU HAVE to bring your kids around." Hm, let me tread lightly here. It's late and anyhow. I feel like I know how to raise my kids, I feel like my parents raised me just fine. Culture was never over pushed on us, we learned we are first Children of God, before any color or nationality. I am thankful for this. We also were taught they we don't need to "follow the crowd". or constantly be people, but that we can have our family and the ties that bind. We are VERY close, my sisters, brother, in-laws, and my mom's siblings. For this I am eternally grateful. This all being said, I know God calls us out of our comfort zone and I am working on it. I am. I am learning not to be self-reliant on what I think others think of me, and this means being open to more friendships. This is a good thing. Maybe God is wanting me to expand my territory, and I'm down. Just my thoughts and feelings here. Oh, still, love you, love me, love you, love me. Hey, thanks for reading!

7.14.12 Co-Dependancy

I knew when I started my posts about my diagnosis, I was going to face things, I didn't want to. I knew there would be times when I would be afraid to go through, all that I was going through, medically, emotionally, physically. What I didn't know was that everything in my life that I was obedient to God about was going to help me overcome the trials I would and will continue to face. I entered my first Al-Anon meeting 4 years ago next month. My life was unmanageable. I thought it was others. I thought the people around me were causing the chaos. I stopped to look and see that I had issues. I had things I needed to take care of in me. One of those issues was my co-dependency. This doesn't mean I thrived on others dependency. Or they NEEEDED ME. No, this was I NEEDED them, I NEEDED their problems so they could be my problems. So I could take the focus off of me and the help I needed. If I am busy fixing for others I can't fix myself. (I do this by the way with a lot of different things.) I would rather do my some chores rather than others. Avoidance if you will. So getting to now... My co-dependency took a back seat. I stopped being co-dependent on those closest to me and then I was diagnosed with cancer. I couldn't take care of anyone, except myself. I had to look at all the good in me. I had to focus on the good in me. I had to repeat the blessings to know where I had come from. Now, a few months out from underneath breast cancer, and I am re-building relationships that have been put on hold for the last year. I am reconnecting with others. It's been more difficult for me than I initially thought. I thought, get out there, have coffee, enjoy conversation. But there have been certain people I have let bully me in the last couple of months. I have let them determine my happiness, my joy, my anxiously around them. I don't want this for of co-dependency. The Bible says

Galatians 1:10 ESV / 26 helpful votes

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

I only want to please God first. To all of my friends, be patient with me, I will come around. I still love each and everyone of you.
Love you, love me, love you, love me!