9.9.12 Sunday before...

I think, I think, there will always be a "Sunday before". Sunday before your wedding, the birth of your child. Sunday before you choose to get on the treadmill. Sunday before Lent. Sunday before. Sunday before mammograms and ultrasounds. Sunday before biopsy. (BEE-op-see, think My Big Fat Greek Wedding, read previous blogs...) Sunday before. I found another lump. I apologize for not saying something earlier. I wanted to share with my family, and that was hard. I am scared for them and what they have to go through. My kids, Bill, but especially my sisters, dad and brother. I know it was hard last time around. But if there was anything I learned about last time around, it was that whatever you THINK is going to happen, that's not the way it happens. It's either much worst, much easier or just NOT at all what you were thinking. How do I feel about all of this? I'm sick of one breast. I'm sick of the prosthesis. I am sick of thinking about this. Mostly I am angry. Angry at having to do this again. Not angry at God or the doctors or myself. Angry at the lump angry at cancer. Just mad. I find myself swearing every once in awhile in my head. Usually it's when I've done something I enjoy or am proud of. I swear cause I feel like everything was just getting to normal. I have found new interests and things that make me feel...ALIVE. I will not be angry at God. It is what it is. I am who I am. Who knows, I have yet to even get the results back. I have yet to even GET the biopsy. I fly to Anchorage tomorrow with my sister Candy. Ultra sound and mammogram and meet with doctor Tuesday. Biopsy Tuesday. Keep me in your prayers all. Love you, love me, love you, love me...