9.17.12 The Waiting Game

I hate this. I hate waiting. This time around seems much harder. Maybe because I know what to expect from Chemo, Rads, Surgery. I also know the elation of benign. Exuberance. But I remember also, it never, it NEVER is what it seems. It never is what we think it is. But I guess life is that way. We DON'T know what tomorrow brings. Sunshine? Clouds? Smiles? Laughs? Tears? What I do know, what I can decide is that Today, TODAY, I'm going to handle today the best way I know how. Sometimes that means crying. Sometimes that means laughing. Sometimes that means waiting. I have decided that I am going to live all that I can. I am going to continue homeschooling and weekly Bible Study. I am going to continue nightly prayers with my husband. I will NOT give in. I will not turn to drugs, alcohol, or something to "take my mind" permanently away from the situation. I will live THROUGH the situation, even if that means sitting through it. I remember as a child my mom had this time every evening called "quiet time". She sat us lined up on the couch. No talking, no TV, no bothering each other. She sat on the chair at the end of the couch. My dad sat in the other chair, reading the newspaper. The radio played KJNP. We sat and listened. On the coffee table in front of us there sat a clock. "When the long hand reaches the nine, you can get up." We had been fed, bathed and in our jammies. Oh, and no sleeping. It usually was 15-20 minutes. Fidgeting would always start, but after the clock getting started over, it didn't last long. Sleep would settle. By the time it was time for us to get up, we'd head straight for bed. :) Ah mom. Here I am. Sitting in bed, waiting. But I am waiting patiently. I am not drinking away the time or downing pills or cursing away my life. I am simply sitting and waiting. And that's okay. I miss you mom. I know though, I know that through all of this sitting and waiting, it does not compare to the GLORY I will one day see. Thank you mom, thank you for teaching me "Quiet Time" and "The Waiting Game".

9.9.12 Sunday before...

I think, I think, there will always be a "Sunday before". Sunday before your wedding, the birth of your child. Sunday before you choose to get on the treadmill. Sunday before Lent. Sunday before. Sunday before mammograms and ultrasounds. Sunday before biopsy. (BEE-op-see, think My Big Fat Greek Wedding, read previous blogs...) Sunday before. I found another lump. I apologize for not saying something earlier. I wanted to share with my family, and that was hard. I am scared for them and what they have to go through. My kids, Bill, but especially my sisters, dad and brother. I know it was hard last time around. But if there was anything I learned about last time around, it was that whatever you THINK is going to happen, that's not the way it happens. It's either much worst, much easier or just NOT at all what you were thinking. How do I feel about all of this? I'm sick of one breast. I'm sick of the prosthesis. I am sick of thinking about this. Mostly I am angry. Angry at having to do this again. Not angry at God or the doctors or myself. Angry at the lump angry at cancer. Just mad. I find myself swearing every once in awhile in my head. Usually it's when I've done something I enjoy or am proud of. I swear cause I feel like everything was just getting to normal. I have found new interests and things that make me feel...ALIVE. I will not be angry at God. It is what it is. I am who I am. Who knows, I have yet to even get the results back. I have yet to even GET the biopsy. I fly to Anchorage tomorrow with my sister Candy. Ultra sound and mammogram and meet with doctor Tuesday. Biopsy Tuesday. Keep me in your prayers all. Love you, love me, love you, love me...

9.7.12 Many a projects

THE HUNGER GAMES! (Olivia and I are HUGE fans!)

Liz making stamps for school

Tonight on facebook I posted some of the many projects I am working on. I have even more swimming in my brain! God is good to give me the ability to do so many things. I mean physically I am able to do so much. My mom used to talk about being able to see and how we shouldn't take advantage of that, but to use it to the best of our abilities! I feel so blessed. I am reading a book Olivia and I have taken in common. Another book I borrowed from my aunty this summer. A bible Study with a friend of mine, another book for a book club I'm starting on facebook. I have the supplies for a centerpiece (CUPCAKES!). I started croceting, but have NO idea how it's going to turn out! I'm homeschooling Lelly (I've taken to calling her Liz lately), which btw is going great. I am loving spending time with her and planning the next day/ week out. I started a chicken tractor (it's about 25% done...). Okay I'll stop there. I feel like I'm bragging. Don't mean too! I just feel like I have all of this energy and I am able to do THIS so I want to! It's life people, it's living LIFE and not letting anything stop you! I love each of you, I want you to know this. I love each of you dearly! LOVE YOU, LOVE ME, love you, love me!

9.5.12 My talents, my gifts

Bunny, patiently waiting for the words to form...

So today, today, today. Started out as one of those regular ole days of being a mom. Laundry, housekeeping, dinner, chauffeuring, I thought to myself, "WOW, I got this down! THIS is my calling." Then the hormone raging teenager showed up. My super mom attitude went crashing to the ground and slithered out the door. I again thought about my talents...my gifts, what on EARTH am I here for??? My first thought? (After a wife/ mother/ sister?) This blog. I am a friend. I share. I write. I let those in on my secrets. Not secrets of success, so much as just secrets. I am a friend. Remember in Jr. High, that friend you had? You shared everything with? Or you just simply wanted to hear about or hang out with? Maybe. Maybe that is my calling. Maybe this is my calling. To share. If so, here (hear!) goes...

Tonight I cried. My heart broken, several times. My teenager, my friends. I cry and let that part out. How can someone we give life to, then love, nurture, take so delicately care of... spew words of anger and hatred at us? How can they do that? How, why did I ever do that to my mom????? I cry for how much I love these kids and how much I wish I could call my mom and tell her I'm sorry for being 16 and causing worry and all of those things I may have ever said to hurt her. I think of her and I miss her and if I had her here, I could tell her my secrets and my joys and my trials. So then I head to a place I know I can share my secrets and my joys and my trials, only to be closed out. The door closed, no one there. I cry for that. And as I'm laying in a heap worn from the day and the teenager and the friends who aren't able to be there, I remember this place. I remember this writing. See, these words aren't just words for the world wide web, they are words from my heart to my FATHER in Heaven. I write to all of you and God reads them and blesses me through you. I am worn from the day, worn down from the secrets hiding deep within my heart. So I release them... Yes, "Momma said there would be days like this." But haven't I also heard, "Joy, in the morning.." Love you, love me, love you, love me.

9.1.12 ROAD TRIP~ Picking Potatoes

Looking into Rica's Chicken coop!

Ah, I have a beautiful WONDERFUL friend, Lauren, who has re-introduced me to a love I have, taking care of my family. Gathering food! We took a road trip today to Delta Junction, Alaska. It's about a 1-1/2 hour drive away. A small farming community, throughout the summer and into the fall you can find all kinds of veggies for VERY reasonable prices! Right outside of Delta is a tourist kinda place called Rica's Roadhouse. I had never been there, so this was my first time there. It's a small historical place that demonstrated how life was like for a roadhouse for a woman who took in miners during the mining days in Alaska. There was a small house, barn, chicken coop, another small house and then the touristy places (gift shop, sandwich shop). It was free to get in and walk around which the kids seem to really enjoy. I especially enjoyed looking at the garden and chicken coop. Looking into the tiny houses filled with time period pieces was also interesting. I found a box in the barn that I have in Minto, VERY COOL! Now onto the potatoes. Lauren had told me about  the potato picking and it was something I had been looking forward to for a very long time. We met up with the farmer and he pointed us in the direction to go. He asked if we would like for him to dig the potatoes up for us, but we polity declined. And we dug, and dug and tossed our potatoes into egg crates and then into burlap sacks. We picked and picked and 700+ pounds later we headed home. It was a great trip and how blessed I feel to have gotten to make this trip. I know that later this winter when we're eating potato soup or fried potatoes, I will count it a blessed to serve my family. God is good! Love you, love me, love you, love me!

8.20.12 Summer Re-cap

School. Tomorrow. WOW! The summer has flown by. Highlights???? Okay, don't mind if I do...
 Chickens, Chitna, Anchorage, Garden, Flowers, Re-plant, Re-plant again (green house blew over, I cried, but picked myself up and planted again...), Minto 1 week!, Cupcake Tuesdays, Baguettes, Dinners, Dates, Birthday Tea Party, BBQ's, Glam Party, Sleepovers, MORE sleepovers, Girl Scout camp drive down and back, FISHING!, reading, kids movie day with kids, birthday parties, weddings, movie release party, (kinda) bridal showers, laughing, dancing in the rain, BRAC 2 testing (genetics... NEGATIVE!!!) tears (a few), Minto fishing for Pike, harvesting, the fair, goat show, cotton candy, 1st place cupcakes, love...LIFE, LOVE. Love you, love me, love you, love me... (I forgot to mention HAIR, Ha!)

8.18.12 OFF...to Minto and beyond

Okay, not really beyond, just Minto, but still!!! Didn't leave until late, got to Minto late, which is the way I like it. Sneak in. Cozy up in our little house. Movie or book, quiet conversation. Cozy. One little room, not a whole lotta stuff to clutter the house. Just what we need if we want to stay a day, a night or a month (minus food). I love it. I mean I LOVE it! I have a night stand next to the bed that has a toothbrush, some books, a sewing kit and mascara. That's all I really need. That and my bible. That's all I need in my life in Minto, because my family is already there. Sometimes at home, in North Pole, my life feels so cluttered, not only with THINGS, but with going and doing and television. It truely is a break for me...Blessed I am to have Minto, and Bill, BJ, Olivia and Elizabeth to share it with. Oh, and Bunny and YOU! love you, love me, love you, love me!